How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
