Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
