It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
