Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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