I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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