i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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