I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize