i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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