can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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