then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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