just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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