thus making me awesome and them whores
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
there was a trapeze. enough said
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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