i already hear my dad disowning me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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