He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
