it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
