we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
