My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
