living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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