i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
