You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
