Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
