Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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