Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
