I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
