it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
