My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
PANTIES FOUND
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
