Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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