I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
