3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you never un-have a 4some
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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