Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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