He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
