he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
