Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
