Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize