Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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