Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
