matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
