I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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