and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
