True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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