i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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