I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
