Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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