hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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