I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
