I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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