I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
