i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Less talking, more tequila
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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