saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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