There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize