HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize