we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
