Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
