We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
