we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
