i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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