You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
