just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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