you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
