This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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