I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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