Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
