Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
