Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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