my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
