when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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