I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
