i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize