His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
